So, I Went on Vacation.
Here’s what I did:
That, friends, is a barracuda. First time fishing since I was like eight. I am pleased.
Here’s what I did:
That, friends, is a barracuda. First time fishing since I was like eight. I am pleased.
I’m not even certain where to begin this entry, because I am not entirely sure where it starts. During my MFA, I studied under Liz Strout (who you really should know) for a semester, and she told the small group I was in one thing that will stick with me until I’m dead.
That thing? “Just say it.” So, here goes.
I am an atheist.
This probably comes as no surprise to some folks who might be reading this, as I’ve told a few people who I trust with this information. And this isn’t necessarily intended to be a statement of my disbelief that I’m shouting to the general public–I just think that maybe I need to say it. It’s probably more for me than anyone else, like a cleansing breath of sorts.
I am an atheist.
Sorry. It’s starting to feel pretty good.
I don’t know of any singular event I can pinpoint as a sort of epiphany where I simply stopped believing in a god of any kind, but I reckon I had a leaning in that direction when I was in elementary school–a Catholic school, for the record–and just wasn’t comfortable with what I was being taught. There are no overbearing nuns, creepy priests, or anything like that that tipped me over the side of the ship, so to speak; the whole thing just made me uncomfortable in much the same way that people aren’t comfortable talking about personal stuff. I simply wasn’t ready to give myself over to any kind of higher power, even at eight or nine.
That said, I did the First Communion thing, was an altarboy for a couple years in grade school and even got confirmed in eighth grade. I went to a Catholic youth group for a couple years in high school, but never really cared for many of the other kids, save for one or two–one with whom I’ve maintained something of a lasting friendship with who, if I’m correct, is reasonably close to me on the “Believing in a god” scale. So, the point is, I didn’t really believe that entire time–I’ve been there.
The dramatic thing to say at this point would be that through that entire experience, I felt tortured in that I couldn’t come out of whatever “atheist closet” I was in. While I’d readily admit that I was (and continue to be, in a lot of ways, but we’ll get to that later) in such a closet, I can’t say that these experiences really affected me in any negative or detrimental way; they were just some things I did. I suppose they fed into some sense of commune with my fellow students and peers who’d gone through the same or similar experiences, but for me, it wasn’t really about the religion. I was just never really interested in that, so I allowed it to slip away, somewhat consciously, while traveling through its motions unattached from the central reason(s) that one should be there for in the first place.
Through the couple years following high school, I flirted with other Christian denominations and other religions entirely, unable to find anything that “fit” me or made me feel comfortable. I just couldn’t “allow,” for lack of a better term, myself to sink into the idea of saviors and creators, much less a steadfast belief in them. I sometimes wish I could have.
I remember one specific incident where I tried to re-submit myself to Christianity, and in some way, this event is deeply important to me, but I’m not absolutely certain that I can communicate precisely why. I was hanging out on a regular basis at a coffeehouse in Mt. Auburn (a Cincinnati neighborhood), and there was a guy who also hung out there who was a youth minister at a local non-denominational church who was a cool guy; he was hip, into the same music as me, affable, and all-around stand-up fella. We were standing around outside late that night, enjoying the thick summer air, chatting about religion. I said to him, “Yeah, I don’t think it’d take much for me to be convinced to join a church, but I don’t know.”
This wasn’t a way for me to gauge his response, or even an attempt to hang bait for an argument. It was the best way I knew how to put myself in someone else’s hands to have something explained to me in a tangible way that Christianity was, well, the correct thing to do.
He stumbled through a labored, vaguely inspired, seemingly-rehearsed series of words about Jesus. This left me wholly unconvinced but still open to some clearer explanation of just how “being saved” was really real, were one to come along.
It never did. So I let that possibility slip away again, and I really haven’t looked back since.
This, of course, is primarily on an internal level–and this is where the “closet” comes in, I figure. With a pretty extensive (and parts of it pretty devout, to boot) Catholic family, there comes along with that a fair bit of baggage related to their belief and adherence to a religion and my lack of those things. Most of them don’t know where I stand on these terms; my response to this fact is to simply go through the motions (and hey, I even remember some of them–not bad for a guy who never really paid much attention, eh?) where I can and not bring up religion in conversation. If someone asks, I’m glad to talk–family included. On one hand, it’s a conversation I just don’t want to have. On another, and I’m referring to family here, I like my family. I want to continue to be a part of it, all religion aside. Things like beliefs shouldn’t get in the way of that, and sadly, when they come up, they just do.
At the same time, I can’t deny myself the comfort of being myself forever. So here’s the question I’ve been fighting with: do I risk losing my extended family, or do I just maintain the appearance I’ve kept up most of my life? I’ve been asking myself the question for quite some time, and haven’t been able to answer it to any kind of satisfaction. I hope I’ll be able to eventually.
So, yeah. I’m an atheist, and it feels good to finally say it.
You read that correctly. We’ve been working on an upgrade for the past several months, and it’s time to announce that we’ve got a release candidate due for September 2010. The new product will have many of the same features you know and love from Release Candidate 1.0, codename “Millie,” such as:
We don’t want to give too much away at the moment, but suffice it to say you can expect much of the same out of Release Candidate 2.0, with new features like:
So, yeah. Look for some new product early-to-mid-September. Cheers!